...

I guess..I should stop all my blog hopping actions.

Once again, I came across something that hurts me, a lot.

While reading, I felt my heart ache. I felt broken. This is for real. There is no turning back.

Just can't deceive myself on what I've read. . . Guess I've been too optismistic.
("Always look on the bright side of life" is wrong). . . .

School's stuffs have tied me down for ages. I can't let go. Simply don't know how to.
Family has been great except for money matters. My mom has been supportive. But I simply can't stand my dad. He is great too, don't be mistaken. It's a kind of favoritism I supposed.
Guess I have not been divulging a lot of my family affairs.
This is the only time that I might pen it down, I suppose.

Well, I grew up in a 9 person family. Big family indeed. My dad has been divorced before he met my mom. He had 3 children in that marriage. Guess it was just another year that my mom married my dad. (No! My mom isn't the 3^rd party. My dad went match making, and found my mom).

That's already 5 person family. My mom had another 4 children (that includes me). Total = 9 person.
My dad has a hard time earning his keep for the whole family. Expenses were real high. It is still running high though my elder siblings have moved out. They simply don't contribute to the family. Duhx.

Due to the divorce, one of my elder siblings had to follow her mom. Guess it's because of that, my dad was very guilty and remorseful for the kid. She grew up in an abnormal environment, and with weird mom. It isn't any wonder that she turned into a problematic kid.

She had a sex change. Guess it hurts my dad a lot. Because of that, my dad tends to show favoritism to my elder siblings. I know I shouldn't resent about it. But for goodness sake, (I don't care whether he is a he or she), but he is so old already. 26 years old. I guess it's old enough to earn his living. My dad still pay for his phone bills. Please! All my younger siblings including myself are paying our own phone bills. Gosh!  My dad still gives him money whenever he saw him. For goodness sake, shouldn't it be the other way round?

I'm having holidays right now. But I simply didn't enjoy the holiday. Why? My dad has been nagging me for a job from the start of the holidays. It is not that I don't want to look for 1. I tried, but no avail. My mom agreed to let me rest for the holidays due to the hard work during the semester.

I hate staying at home when my dad is around. I don't hate my dad, but it's a resentment inside me that I made me feel that I can't stand him. But he is my dad; I still have to respect him in any ways.

He claims that the economy is bad right now. He is bringing back lesser money everyday. I dare say it's my mom supporting the house. What did he pay for? It's merely the electricity bills, our allowances and the household allowances. In which, he is dragging the money for the household allowances.

I really wonder can I make it to university. It has been my hope, my dream to get in, especially an overseas school. It's impossible, right now. I still have 3 younger siblings. I doubt my dad could continue contributing to the family till I graduate from university. I have to support my younger siblings to finish their university. Well, for at least, complete my dream?

Don't ask me about my elder siblings. They don't even contribute. It's a laughter if they don?t come borrowing money.

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Guess I've dragged too far away. I read a blog just now. I'm sure what I've read is what I've thought of. I'm not sensitive, but I guess it's far too obvious.

I'm quite useless, I reckon. Failure bah.

Don't ask me what is it about. I'm not going to reveal..to anyone. I've been saying about letting go, this time, I asked myself. Did i really let go? I realized otherwise..

Why am I forever struck in that pathetic hole? ...Dig me out..anyone?